Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame

ELIZABETH ELLEN: Inducted May 25, 2004

A couple weeks ago I mentioned my dream of having 25 Hall of Fame members by the one-year anniversary of the UWHOF. At the time I thought it was a worthy goal, but also quite a lofty one. I knew I was shooting for the stars because as we all know only 4.72 people visit this site a day. To expect more people to be brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal enough to submit their photo for induction was a little presumptuous. But today I'm feeling less silly for setting such a goal, as recently I've inducted two more brave and courageous and chock full of intestinal fortitude souls into the UWHOF, and today I shall induct yet another.

Wow. I am really a beloved online internet blogging celebrity. I mean, because that is what this is all about, really: me. The Utter Wonder Hall of Fame is for all intents and purposes me. It's tall and good-looking and wears the finest shirts. It's also this place inside me that works to build up my self-esteem and allows me to see just how wicked awesome and stuff I am. For every new inductee that enters this place inside me, I realize more and more how powerful and loved and respected and admired I am by the rest of the world.

I can't tell you how great it feels to have so many people inside me. And the numbers continue to grow and grow. After today, I'll have 23 different brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal souls inside me. I'm like a regular Sybil up in here. It's kind of noisy, actually. Wish they all were on the same sleep schedule. Still, being full of so many loving people and their slightly peculiar photographs instills me with enough pride to get out of bed every morning to work on my blog, and if there is time leftover, take care of my two sons.

But enough about me for now; there's plenty of time for me later. I'll make sure of it. No, let's now direct our attention to today's brave and courageous and intestinal blah-blah-blah inductee: Ms. Elizabeth Ellen. Elizabeth is a writer from Michigan whose work has appeared in various shapes, sizes and denominations all over the world. She's quite the scribe, and it's great to add yet another literary sort to the UWHOF. This means uppity literary institutions like the New Yorker and Harper's and Teen People will start paying a little more attention to Utter Wonder. It is after all a blog to be reckoned with. A blog to be reckoned with that also has a kick-ass hall of fame. Not too many blogs have their own hall of fame. Nope. (No copying!)

So without further ado, let's do like we always do and stare at our inductee's photo for a duration not shorter than five minutes. Begin!

One-Mississippi

Two-Mississippi

Thee-Mississippi

Four-Mississippi

Five-Mississippi

Okay! Good. So, what do you think of Elizabeth Ellen's photograph? For clarifications sake, she's the one in front. Not sure who the guy in the gargoyle suit is. I have a thing about gargoyles: am convinced nothing ever good comes from them. There were these gargoyle-type statues outside my junior high school. Not once did they ever smile at me. And I like went out of my way to be nice to them, too. I'd pat them on their faces and wave hello and whatnot, but got nothing in return. Gargoyles are so freakin' stuck up. I hate them. Anyway, looks like Elizabeth Ellen has a way with gargoyles. She strikes me as very easy to get along with and affable. You know, the type of person who's always ready to write something literary or give a lap dance to a gargoyle. You see, that's where I tow the line: I'd never give a lap dance to a gargoyle. Never. And I've been asked a lot, too. Not sure what it is about gargoyles, but they just love them some lap dancing. Not me, though--and especially not with a gargoyle. I save my lap dancing for just one special lap: My Lady's. I think lap dancing is a sacred thing between a man and his lady, and I don't just go around offering up my booty to some gargoyle's lap anytime a gargoyle asks me--and again, I've been asked A LOT. But more power to Elizabeth Ellen if she doesn't mind or even enjoys giving lap dances to gargoyles. "Different strokes for different folks" is what they say, and it takes different strokes to move the world.

With that said, I officially induct Elizabeth Ellen into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. Her literary and gargoyle lap dancing skillz will make the UWHOF an all the more hip and happenin' place. For her bravery and courage and intestinal boppity-boo, Elizabeth received a signed copy of a fan letter I wrote Star Jones. You can have one too: just send me an actual photograph of yourself and your internet legend will commence. So what you waiting for: chop-chop!

This post is dedicated to four more years.